Well, I'll tell you about me. And I'll also tell you about what I, a baseball fan, do in the off-season. I live in
OFF-SEASON SURVIVAL GUIDE/
Part October (Chances are, this month may be non-applicable to most fans)
If your
team was in the playoffs or World Series, you’ve got the edge over some other
fans (for instance me—an Oakland A's fan!!)
After the men have jumped all over each other, and the TV has shown the
obligatory "losing-player-with-his-head-hung-low" shot, you've got
one of two great ways to spend the rest of October...
1. Celebrate. Wear a hat.
Sing "We Are The Champions."
Do whatever. It is up to you to
let everyone else know that your team won.
I have a white t-shirt with black letters that says, simply, "MY TEAM WON ." I wear it every year and no one is the wiser
(heh heh heh). Oh boy—anyway...
2. Curse. Stomp on your hat. Sing "Cheater Cheater Pumpkin
Eater." Do whatever it is you do to
let everyone know that your team lost.
Save your tears in a bucket and then drown that guy in the cubicle next
to yours whose been trash talking since August.
If some one comes up to you and says "tough loss, man" you
come back at him with "NOT AS TOUGH AS THIS!" and then proceed to
twist his scrotum off. If the someone
happens to be a woman, come back at her with "NOT AS TOUGH AS THIS!"
and then proceed to walk away. She will not be physically harmed, but she will
think twice next time she wants to console you...
Part November
November
is a great month. The air is crisp and
clear, the leaves are carpeting the ground, the scent of apple pie fills the
kitch...oh wait—no more baseball!!!
Ugh. The month of November
usually brings to mind various chores.
The annual dusting of the lamp, the inevitable chopping of the wood, and
of course, the raking of the leaves. But
wait, leaf raking can actually be done for a reason this time! Follow these steps my poor off-seasoners, and
then the boring days of No-baseball-ember will be flying by...
Step
1:
Rake all the leaves in your backyard into a good-sized pile. If you have no leaves in your yard, go steal
some from a neighbor. You also might try
asking your neighbor if you could rake their yard and then take the leaves—your
choice.
Step
2:
Get a good-sized garbage bag. If
you do not have a garbage bag, refer to the "neighbor" part of Step
1.
Step
3:
Fill up the bag with leaves. Bet
you didn't see that coming!!!!
Step
4 (the real ingenious part): Decorate and costume-ize the filled garbage
bag so it looks like your most hated catcher.
Dress it up in an old uniform, or paint the name and number on the
back. Put various team markings, such as
an NY symbol, a big A, or possibly any number of animals all over the bag.
Step
5:
Here is the set up—imagine you are on third. The ball is bunted by one of your
teammates!! It’s a squeeze, go for
it!! Run as fast and hard as you can,
barreling over that catcher and knocking him on his autumnal butt. You scored!!!
You won!!! You injured the garbage bag!!! Yaaaay!!!!
Now here
is where you say (in a mind boggled voice),"but why?" I shall tell you numerous reasons why:
1. It really is fun.
2. You get lots of good
exercise.
3.
You get to release 162 games worth of pent up
frustration.
4. You need to rake
leaves anyway.
5.
They won't let you barrel the catcher in your
softball league.
6. It doesn't cost any
money.
7. Other awesome
bonuses:
If the stuffing falls out, there is always more
You can pretend he is a batter and throw bean balls at him
all day long. If he starts to charge the
mound—you know what to do!
If you get tired, you can use the bag as a pillow
If your neighbor sees you doing this, he'll never again ask
to borrow any of your tools.
Part December
The
holiday season may be a time of wonder and light, but for diehard baseball
fans, it is but another 31 days of diamondless agony. At this time of year, there are so many
things to do and errands to run, one hardly has time to think about baseball,
let alone personal hygiene. If you have
kids, you might as well forget about eating and sleeping too. You have 744 hours of work to do, with no
time or toilet paper to waste. It may
seem daunting at first, but here are 50* nifty ways to satisfy your ol'
ball game needs while keeping up with the ol' torture...uh, I mean festive
chores.
1. Go to your local
stadium and see if they have any extra night-game light bulbs lying
around. You know, the ones that make you
see spots. If you are always drunk at
ball games, you might not have noticed a difference, but those lights really do
make you see spots. Take the bulbs home,
string them up on your roof, and viola!—the brightest, shiniest,
good-for-some-post-sundowm-bp decorations that money can buy and/or large bulky
jackets can conceal. Every evening you
can be reminded of those summer nights when there was not a care in the world**. When people drive by your house, they will
look at your decorations and will see an astounding display: red spots, yellow
spots, white spots...a kaleidoscope of holiday colors! Yeah!
2. It's the little
things that count. For instance,
replacing baby Jesus in the nativity set with a Cal Ripken baseball card would
be a nice touch. You might also want to
take out the manger and put in a dugout if time allows. Putting a Dave Winfield doll on top of the
tree might also be advisable.
3. Cookies!!!! Now I know you're thinking, "Oooh
baseball shaped cookies, aaah..."
But really, I'm not writing this article because I'm an amateur. Without further ado, a section that I like to
call... Cookies that look like Major League Baseball Players.
Step
1:
Make the cookie dough.
Step
2:
Put small-fist-sized doughballs on the cookie sheet. Randomly squish the balls down. I have found that squishing them while making
different sign language alphabet signs will give you the best results.
Step
3:
Bake in the oven. Call mom for
help if needed.
Step
4:
The analysis. Look at each cookie
from various viewpoints or in different ways (i.e. squinting eyes, sideways
glance) and try to see what major league faces you have come up with. About 79% of the time you will get a
proballer. The other 20% will look like
past presidents or Walter Matthau, and the other 1% will look like a cookie
that was squished weird. When you are
done examining each cookie, you of course have the option of eating it. But why would you want to do that when you
could be collecting them!!!!! I myself
have an impressive collection of Gaylord Perry's, Charlie Hough's, and even a
Ken Griffey Jr.! (To my knowledge, only
myself and a chef in Wisconsin
As you
can clearly see (unless you've been looking at those stadium lights), December
is no longer a problem for us fans.
Happy Holidays!!!!!
*The other 47 nifty ideas were cut from this piece due to
space, and because they don't exist.
**Two possible cares in the world - "What is that
stickiness under my seat!!??" and
"Can I make it to the bathroom and back before they reveal the answer to
the trivia question!!??"
***This experiment was designed and intended for regular cookie
making, the adding of chocolate chips and almonds will only give you
nightmares...or possibly Patrick Ewing.
Part January
January. This is like the seventh-inning stretch. This is where you decide: will I quit and go home and cry like a baby
and act like a loser? OR: will I strive
on, stick it out to the very end, and act like a winner! For those of you who chose the latter, read
on. For those of you who chose the
former, hit the showers and never return*! You disgust me. If you don't have "the showers" at
your house, wallowing on your flooded basement floor is also acceptable.
And so
it is a new year. Shall we make baseball
related resolutions that we will never keep?
(i.e. "I will never again shout at the umpire through the
television")...NO! Shall we make
snowmen that look like Fernando Valenzuela?
MAYBE! Shall we practice blowing
bubble gum bubbles and sticking them on peoples' hats? YES, BUT NOT RIGHT NOW CAUSE I THOUGHT OF
ANOTHER IDEA!!! Don't waste your time
with the previous suggestions—it's time for Mark's-Environmentally-Aware-Offseason-Time
Consuming Project!!!
Most
people throw out their Christmas trees. It
has served its purpose, now it must whither and rot like a retired baseball
player who didn't put up Hall Of Fame numbers.
It's really sad. But why waste
that wood? Why throw out the creative
possibilities? Why not take your
Christmas tree and make it into a bat?
(Note: This question is
rhetorical...there are several reasons why—but you said you would stick it
out—to the very end!!!)
Step
1:
Remove all the ornaments as haphazardly as possible. Throw everything in a box and put it in the
back of your closet.
Step
2:
Take off the tree branches. They
may be brittle and you can pull them off (depending on how late in January you
start this project)...you may also use hedge clippers or other pruning
instruments. You may want to wear gloves
for this step.
Step
3:
Whittle a baseball bat. Start
with a hatchet or bowsaw, cutting your tree/bat to the right length. I have found that the bow saw if more
efficient and safer, but the hatchet is way more fun. Next strip off the bark with a bark stripper. Remember to go lengthwise, up and down, with
long, even stripping movements. You may
want to take more off at the handle end.
Step
4:
Sand. Sand like you've never
sanded before. Surgically attach
sandpaper to your palms and digits.
Change your name to Ryne Sandberg.
Become a sanding machine.
Step 5: You should now have a crude looking bat. If not—hit the showers! You'll have to try again next year! You make me sick. If you have a nice looking stick, move on to...
Step
6:
Decorate the bat. A small knife
should be good for carving initials, team names, or "Loserville
Slugger." Magic marker works nice
also.
Well,
that's it. If you don't think this will
be a time consuming project, try doing steps 1-6 using only a butter knife and
your fingernails. If you've made it this
far, congratulations!!! I can see the
light at the end of the tunnel.
*Losers will be able to watch the All-Star Game.
Part February (The Final Chapter)
’Tis a
cold dreary month. February holds no
joy, except for maybe being able to laugh at Marge Schott because she got no
valentines. Now is the time to prepare,
now is the time to think ahead. You have
been waiting and struggling all this time, it would be a shame to be out of
shape come opening day. Here are a few key
warm-ups for all the baseball fans out there, young and old, and let's not
forget the middle aged either...
Warm
Up One:
Standing up. For most of the
winter season, you've been sitting on your rear. Now is the time to practice standing up. Now you may be saying, "standing up is
easy," or "this is a dumb exercise," or possibly "I should
give this article to my dog to crap on..."
But wait!!! The dog can use a
different article! There are certain
elements of standing up that MUST be stated here, and you MUST perfect them or
suffer the consequences!
First,
you must learn to stand up quickly. When
that hard drive shoots down the baseline you can't be taking your time, get
your arse up! It's almost like a jerking
movement. Pretend cables are attached to
your torso, and you are being lifted straight up. Do this 50 times a day. If you need a break from the stand ups, try
the lesser-known art of "seat leaning." When that burly heathen who has a seat two
down from you wants to come and go, you have to be ready. I heard he has season tickets too.
While
you are standing up, practice leaning back, sucking in air, and willing
yourself to be skinnier. Any and all
those things will help when people want to get by. Trust me, practice now and you'll practically
be two-dimensional by game time. You'll
be the envy of all end-of-the-row-spectators everywhere.
Warm
Up Two:
Arm stretches. Reach for the
sky! Reach for the clouds! Reach for that foul ball! The foul ball is one of the most fan
interactive parts of the game, prepare yourself and reap the rewards (of
getting foul balls). Some may say that a
good monkey bar hanging will improve your foul ball catching, but I say nay to
that! Hanging will make your arms too
loose and dangly, and not enough like deadly vipers. Are you going to let that 10 year old in
front of you catch that ball? You must
have the desire, the skill, the sickness, in order to grab that baseball.
First
you must do that arms in circles motion thing.
Big circles, then small circles.
Then move your arms and shrug your shoulders like you're doing the
chicken. Next, do that thing when you
rest a baseball on your bicep/elbow joint, and snap your arms straight, so the
ball pops up. Finally, flex your
fingers. After doing these exercises,
try to get some neighborhood kids to do them, so you can see how stupid it
looks. (You may also choose to exercise
in front of a mirror.)
Warm-Up
Three:
The final warm-up. Yell. Yell loud, long, and hard. Push that voice to the max. Strain that throat and practice projecting
your voice. If you want to shout
something, you need to make sure it gets heard by the right ears. For example, if you shout "ARE YOU BLIND!!!???" - and instead of the
umpire receiving this heckle, it is heard by a blind man or woman - that would
be bad. A very embarrassing situation
indeed. To practice aiming your shouts,
there are three ideal locations, depending on what specific skill you need to
improve. For general purpose shouting,
try a movie theatre (advanced fans may do this in a dark theatre). For distance shouting, try a bowling alley
(stand at lane 1 and shout to lanes 5, 12, 29, etc). For moving target shouting try an ice rink, or
possibly a kindergarten classroom.
Finally...and
there it is, the complete and absolute OFF SEASON SURVIVAL GUIDE/KIT /THINGY.
I hope you enjoyed the lessons, ideas, and crazy stunts. Please try all of these at home.
Play
Chess! D'oh! I mean ball!!
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