"I'm Krazy Keith Hernandez" by Steve Reynolds

The 2006 season has been the best one for the Mets since 1983. Oh, I don’t mean in the standings or player statistics —it’s because it’s the first time since the 1984 season that Fran Healy has not been calling the team’s games. When the Mets partnered up with some cable giants to start Sportsnet New York, they chose to not bring Healy on board, going with amazing radio man Gary Cohen for play-by-play.

(Pardon me, I must pause to yell in joy for the 810th time since that decision.)

Healy was one of the most incompetent “homers” in all of broadcasting (only the retards that do White Sox games were worse) and every word out of his mouth was an obvious description of what fans had just seen—or was a shill for fans to come out to Shea for some stupid reason. SNY played the first post-9/11 game at Shea as one of the “Mets Classics” this season, and hearing Healy’s voice almost ruined the emotion of that incredible game.

SNY reached back to the Mets 1986 roster for their analysts, grabbing Ron Darling from the Washington Nationals and keeping Keith Hernandez, the lone MSG and Fox Sports New York holdover. Darling I expected to be rather subpar because of what I heard from him during the 2005 season. But he’s surprised me by providing easy to understand analysis when it comes to why pitchers do what they do, coming up with a good joke or two once in a while, sharing great memories about the ’80s Mets teams and—on Friday night games—being the best announcer to interact with Ralph Kiner in many years. (How good Kiner sounds nowadays is probably worth its own article. Time and time again this year I’ve been amazed by how he’ll make an insightful comment, and then follow it up with a crack that causes Cohen and Darling to laugh for minutes.)

Hernandez has certainly taken flack from Zisk over his first three seasons as a part-time Met broadcaster. Allow me to quote my Zisk colleague Mike Faloon from the April 27th, 2005 edition of our blog:

“It was difficult to ignore [my dog’s] protests—and try to convince myself that the game was more important—with the Mets getting spanked. MSG announcer Keith Hernandez didn't help my cause...

Ted Robinson: This night in 1988, Keith Hernandez hit a grand slam in Atlanta. He drove in seven runs for the Mets that game.

Keith Hernandez: I also got divorced that day. Let me tell you, I was out late that night. HA!

Which reminds me of another Hernandez gem, this one from the night before. Bottom of the fourth, Mets down 1-0...

Fran Healy: He's been terrific!

Keith Hernandez: Who?

Fran Healy: (The Mets') Chris Woodward.

Keith Hernandez: I wasn't paying attention.

Error #1: daydreaming on the job. Error #2: telling everyone about error #1 just in case they missed it.

I think it's about time MSG sprung for one of those seven-second delay modules, one of those devices that allows the guys producing the game to hear everything a few seconds before the TV audience does. I'd take awkward silences of Keith.”

Needless to say, my vitriol for Hernandez was along the same lines, and I dreaded how far Hernandez was going to take down the great Gary Cohen. Then on the way to broadcasting disaster, something amazing happened: Hernandez went crazy. Not in the insane asylum or serial killer or Gnarls Barkley kind of way—I mean that good, loopy kind of crazy that makes you laugh over and over again. Perhaps his open disdain for Fran Healy (which Hernandez held in check about as well as I did) sublimated his desire to make wacky comments. And with apologies to Seinfeld and Bill Simmons, here’s a quick list of I’m Krazy Keith’s greatest hits of 2006.

April 6th: During a game against the Nationals where Pedro Martinez hit a couple of batters and tempers flare on both sides, Cohen and Hernandez started talking about Ron Hunt, infamous for his ability to get plunked. I’m Krazy Keith goes on to reveal that he could never drink Kahlua after meeting Hunt. It seems that during spring training of his rookie year Hunt showed him the ropes as a major league drinker.

April 23rd: I’m Krazy Keith calls Mets reliever Pedro Feliciano “Jose Feliciano”—twice.

May 10th: During a blowout against the Phillies at Citizens Bank Ballpark, I’m Krazy Keith can’t speak during the 4th inning because he starts choking on ribs sent up by Greg Luzinski.

June 19th: While talking about Cincinnati Reds pitcher Bronson Arroyo’s musical leanings towards “grunge,” 52 year-old I’m Krazy Keith says, “I like him [Eddie Vedder] more solo than with the band [Pearl Jam].” (Huh?)

July 8th: During a 17-3 blowout against the Marlins in the second game of a long doubleheader, I’m Krazy Keith kicked it into overdrive. Marlins pitcher Jason Vargas was working mop up duty, which lead to this exchange:

Keith: Ever heard of Touch of Evil?

Gary Cohen: What made you think of that?

Keith: Jason Vargas. In the movie Orson Welles played Detective Vargas.

Gary: You're like Casey Stengel, you eventually get to the point.

Keith: I thought we were just killing time.

As it turns out, Welles played a police captain named Hank Quinlin and it was Charlton Heston who played Vargas. But still, I’m Krazy Keith got most of it right.

July 18th: After Carlos Beltran hits a grand slam for the second game in a row, I’m Krazy Keith Hernandez starts singing “What a difference a day makes.”

July 19th: Another two hour rain delay leads to more nuttiness. In the 4th inning, Gary Cohen reads the AFLAC trivia question that asks, “Who holds the Mets record for grand slams?” As Cohen and I’m Krazy Keith start discussing who it might be, number-17 said, "It's not Bud Harrelson, we know that much." Then Hernandez said he was going to see the former Mets shortstop and manager for dinner on Saturday in Montauk. He added that they always get together once every summer to hang out, and this year it was during Hernandez's weekend off. That lead to the following exchange:

Keith: You're off Saturday too, right? What are you going to be doing?

Gary: Um, sitting and watching the game.

Keith: Well don't you like your days off?

Gary: I'd rather be working—wouldn't you?

Keith: Of course I like working, but I don't mind sitting on the couch.

Gary: Well, I can do that all winter.

(Laughs)

(Then up popped the AFLAC trivia question again)

Gary: I have no idea.

Keith: I'll say Dave Kingman.

Gary: Robin Ventura.

(The answer was Mike Piazza with 6)

Gary: Oh yeah, we're idiots.

(More laughs)

July 24th: I’m Krazy Keith even brings out an odd side of Ron Darling. Here’s an exchange after Keith was saying Carlos Delgado was coming out of his slump:

Gary: That’s why you hear hitters talk about slumping in an almost mystical way.

Keith: That’s why I always say, don’t go home and stick your head in the oven.

Ron: Well, that’s something you don’t ever want to do even when you’re not in a slump.

What’s next for this guy? Espousing Kennedy assassination theories? 12 different ways to cook a raccoon? The best way to beat the traffic on the L.I.E.? Whatever it is, I cannot wait to hear it.