Thursday, October 23, 2008

Zisk # 17



Editor's Note

Goodbye, Goodbye: The Zisk Staff Shares Stadium Memories

A Ray of Hope: The Devil Speaks Out by Steve Reynolds

The Zisk Classic Book Corner by Mark Hughson

More of the Baseball and Rock Connection by Steve Reynolds

The Some Star Game by John Shiffert

The Comedy of Baseball by Steve Reynolds

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Editor's Note

Editor’s note: This issue we focus on our last visits to various ball parks. Hence the following...

Shea Stadium isn’t the best baseball stadium in New York City. It’s not even second best, trailing the more aesthetically pleasing parks in the Bronx and Coney Island. But Shea is my favorite.

Shea’s shortcomings are numerous and obvious. The stadium is located in Flushing. It’s removed from any sense of neighborhood. For those taking the subway there’s nothing to do in the area before or after games.

Hopefully the last game I saw at Shea will fade from memory but I’m still going to miss the place, even more than I’m going to miss Yankee Stadium.

Despite a rather pronounced disliking for the Bronx Bombers I never turned down a trip to Yankee Stadium. The narrow hallways. The low ceilings. Monument park. I’m far too much of a baseball sentimentalist to resist. The last time I went to Yankee Stadium my wife and I lucked into box seats. We also saw Guliani while waiting for the elevator and passed King George along the way. But despite that legendary aura and those brushes with fame I always preferred Shea.

The last game I saw at Shea was a forgettable late-August blowout against the Astros. My brother and I made a day trip out of it. On our way to Flushing we had lunch at Virgil’s Barbeque. We stopped for a beer at Jimmy’s. After the game we hit a midnight movie in Times Square. There wasn’t a moment all day when we forgot that we were in New York City. That’s why I always loved a day at Shea. No matter how good or bad the game I was watching—even that 1993 game lost when a ground ball squirted past an out-of-position Joe Orsalak—I was always getting a thoroughly warts-and-all NYC experience.

When you looked past the outfield fence and you got an eyeful of the Queens skyline—expressways, parking garages, car repair shops. And when you closed your eyes and the sounds of the game were periodically drown out by air traffic from nearby LaGuardia Airport. All of those things will be there to greet the completed Citi Field, which is going to look great, no doubt. But when I look at Citi Field I get a sense that its designers, consciously or otherwise, don’t care if I’m aware of New York when I’m there. It’s newer and shinier and it’s the model that will get better mileage, but it’ll always lack Shea’s scratch and dent charm.

Mike

Goodbye, Goodbye: The Zisk Staff Shares Stadium Memories

(Editor’s note: With the demise of both of New York’s baseball stadiums this year, it seemed like the right time to ask our core group of writers of their memories of their last times at their favorite stadia. The results are below.—SR)

Steve Reynolds
As unenthused as I was about the 2008 Mets (which I hated until Willie Randolph got the ax, so maybe I just didn’t like the former Yankee?) I was very excited for my last trip to Shea Stadium on July 26th. This was no ordinary trip, as I was joining about 35 other people on a cruise from the East side of Manhattan up the East River to the stadium. We were all gathered together to celebrate our friend Jonah’s birthday. But it was much more than a birthday celebration—it was a life celebration. Three months earlier we found out that Jonah (pictured below) had melanoma that had spread to one of his lymph nodes. And while my circle of friends (and Jonah himself) were optimistic that everything would turn out for the best, it was apparent to me that we all had seeds of doubt in our heads. As someone who has lost two family members to cancer and has friends who have lost spouses and others to this tenacious disease, I know I couldn’t help but dwell on the negative.

Fortunately things went well with Jonah’s surgery and his radiation treatments. (Ed. note--Unfortunately after #17 went to print, Jonah had a recurrence. He had another surgery and is recording quite well as I write this on 10/27/08) As a matter of fact, Jonah’s last day of radiation was two days before the cruise, the game and his birthday. So that ride to Shea was perhaps the most joyful I’ve ever experienced going to a Mets game. People hugging each other, drinking really overpriced “cheap” beer as if it was water and waving to people on the shores of the river—it was quite a party. The game almost seemed secondary compared to the fun we had on the way. And it was for almost everyone, as I was the only person left at the end of five hours and 14 innings when the Mets finally lost. I’ll admit to being disgruntled by yet another loss as I walked down the numerous ramps from the upper deck. Once I got to the ground I paused, turned around and looked at Shea one more time. And I thought to myself, “Yeah, this place has always been a dump. Bring on less seats, higher prices and gourmet food at Citi Field!”

Ken Derr
The last time I went to Candlestick Park I was drunk before noon. It was teacher cut day and we were wearing our party hats. It was also the last time I tailgated at a Giants game, because PacBell Temple does not allow such messiness. You also don’t see fans in the new joint like the one who sat behind us that day, the only man in the bowl more hammered than we were. “Let’s go Johnny Bench. Come on Johnny, ya fucking punk.” We were playing the Braves in 1999, but no matter—we loved this dude, for his performance was worse than ours, and our guilt thusly redeemed. Visiting the Stick was something like making the pilgrimage to Mecca, if you believed in the trinity of wind and cold and intoxication. I saw the face of Marvin Bernard in a Carnation Chocolate Malt, and I’m still waiting for the right eBay moment to dump that one. I can’t remember a single detail of the game. We got plastered, sunburned and embarrassingly confessional, and I’ve been in counseling for years trying to erase the image of that science teacher and the attendance secretary with the asymmetrical ass. Mixing business and pleasure can be an expensive and dangerous proposition. Anyway, I think we drove home, but that image remains in unnavigable caverns. The only thing I can recall is that the Giants were good then. Imagine that. Russ Ortiz and Robb Nen and Bill Mueller weren’t that great in our eyes and hearts during those years, but boy are their replacements sad copies. I can’t say the same thing about the new place, because it is gorgeous. But I do miss the loudmouths, and I’ve yet to hear the name Johnny Bench uttered in the palace Peter built.

John Shiffert
Although I saw game two of the 1980 World Series at the Vet, Connie Mack Stadium (nee Shibe Park) is still my favorite stadium among the two former stadia wherein the Phillies have performed.

My last game there was the last Opening Day at Connie Mack Stadium—April 7, 1970. The Phillies had a new manager (Frank Lucchesi) and a much-heralded new rookie doubleplay combination, shortstop Larry Bowa and second baseman Denny Doyle. This was my senior year at Germantown Friends School and since the senior class was not required to attend classes (we were all working on senior projects) I was free to go the game with my grandfather, the one and only Ralph M. Shiffert—an old catcher and A’s fan from way back in the Eddie Plank/Stuffy McInnis days.

Since he had recently retired from the Philadelphia Electric Company after 50 years, he still had an “in” with Peco, and we parked over at his old substation on Hunting Park Avenue (as everyone in Philly knows, Hunting Park spelled backwards in Krap Gnitnuh—say it out loud a few dozen times), hard by that other famous Philadelphia landmark, the Tasty Baking Company. This was much preferable to trying to park near 21st and Lehigh, where the neighborhood kids, undaunted by the specter of the Vet raising in South Philly, were still playing the old “watch your car for a dollar, mister” game. So, we walked about a half mile to the old ballpark.

There was quite a buzz that day, mostly about the new skipper, who was, among other things, the first Phillies manager since Gene Mauch with any kind of personality. Indeed, Lucchesi had a lot of personality, but not many players. (The Phillies would finish the season 73-88.) As it would turn out over time, Bowa would live up to his billing. No, that’s not right. He lived over his billing—there were serious questions on April 7, 1970 as to whether or not he’d hit his weight (155 lbs). He could field, and run like the wind, but he looked like a Little Leaguer in the field, and the Cubs, the opponent that day, played him at Little League depth. Nonetheless, Lawrence Robert Bowa would go on to play in 2246 more major league games, to accumulate 2191 hits, help lead the team to the 1980 World Series title, become manager of the Phillies, win the Manager of the Year Award in 2001, and become one of Philadelphia’s favorite adopted native sons.

This first game wasn’t particularly edifying for Bowa. He popped to shortstop batting leadoff for the Phillies in the first, and ended up going 0-3 with a walk, although he was flawless in six chances in the field. Although Doyle had three hits, and one of the Phillies two RBIs in the game, his career would be a lot less noteworthy, just 944 games in eight years.

In the other dugout were three genuine Hall of Famers, another should-be HOFer, and former Phillie favorite Johnny Callison. Nonetheless, despite the presence of Callison, Ernie Banks, Billy Williams and Ron Santo on the field and Ferguson Jenkins (another former Phillie) on the mound, the home team won their last opener at the park they had occupied since 1938 (and which had opened 61 years before). Chris Short, coming off back surgery, and pitching one of his last great games as a Phillie, shut out the Cubs on five hits and the Phillies won, 2-0, scoring single runs in the third (on a triple by Doyle) and seventh (on a double by Don Money).

Although neither Stuffy McInnis, nor Eddie Plank, nor Dick Allen (my personal childhood favorite) made an appearance, granddad and I went home happy.

Frank D’Urso
Luckily as a Red Sox fan, we have owners who understand the importance of history and consistency. Hopefully I'll never have to have a last memory of Fenway Park and I get to have my ashes spread across left field so I can never leave it. But now here are my last times at other, less fortunate ball parks.

Memorial Stadium
It was the Orioles last season their before moving to the Fenway-inspired downtown Baltimore Camden Yards. I had attended a few games at Memorial Stadium, was particularly impressed with the suburban neighborhood that surrounded this great old bowl of a park. This last trip was special, with my now ex-in-laws, we watched as Harmon Killebrew was honored for hitting the longest homerun in Memorial Stadium history. I remember the big sporty jacket Harmon wore that day, impressed that that much fabric could drape a man of his stature. A living idol of mine ever since the Boston Globe Sunday Comics page had a series of full page posters of Major League Stars. Appropriately it was a Twins versus Orioles matchup. I forget who won.

Shea Stadium
My friend's company had box seats that we got to use. I had the balls to wear my #14 Jim Rice Red Sox jersey there (post-1986) and was impressed that there were other members of Red Sox nation in the stadium. I disliked the way they chained off the empty seats in front of us. What a waste. The upper level was so far away and so vertical I had nightmares just looking up at it. (Not to mention the skeevies I felt looking down at first base.)

Candlestick Park
My job had a bunch of tickets, and as we were out of towners a bunch of us went to see the Giants play. We had two extra, and seeing a bunch of fans lined to buy tickets I figured to give them away (also wanting to avoid the land sharks known as ticket scalpers we have to deal with on the east coast). People kind of avoided me though when I tried to give the tickets away. (Did I look that shady?) I resorted to shouting out "I've got two free tickets to the first person who can tell me the Giants original team name."

People just kind of looked at me.

"Okay, where did the Giants first come from?"

(I was looking for the answer: Troy Haymakers, but would have accepted New York.)

People were a bit bemused now, so I said, okay, "Who can tell me who wore #24?"

Which of course the nearest teenager/college kid replied, "Willie Mays."

I handed him the two $45 tickets and said thank you. I don't think anyone believed that I was actually giving away any tickets, let alone (what were then) expensive tickets.

Mark Hughson
My final game at the MacArthur Stadium (home of the Syracuse Chiefs of the International League) in the summer of 1996 had three unforgettable moments. I had been away at college for two years and hadn’t been keeping up with the local media hoopla surrounding the decision to “sell out,” close the park, and move the team down the street. When I arrived at the park and saw the back of a t-shirt that read “Last Crack At Big Mac” I finally recognized that there are season-ticket holding baseball lovers here that lived and died by the local farm team. It was the first time it dawned on me that 62 years of history was soon to become a parking lot. Depressing. The second moment happened halfway through the game when two old dudes turned around and told me to shut up and watch the game or they’d call security on me and have me removed. I guess they had grown tired of my incessant yelling, cheering, and (justified) umpire booing. My brother and his girlfriend were with me and naturally did not rise to my defense, so I stayed quiet. Upsetting. The storybook ending is close at hand though. In the final inning we were down by 3 with the bases loaded. There was still an outside chance at work here, so the crowd did indeed grasp a sliver of hope. As the outs tallied up and the baserunners stayed put we started to lose our grip. I mean yeah, it could happen but it probably wouldn’t. But it might. The only chance we had to win the game right there and then was a grand slam by the catcher. The pitcher slung one over and the catcher sent it to deep center right. It towered (crowd rises), it carried (crowd buzzed), it went out! Crowd erupts! We did it! FIREWORKS! AMAZING! Great game.

Kip Yates
I remember the last game I ever attended at the Texas Rangers old Arlington Stadium. It was a converted minor league ball park and had undergone several renovations including a grandstand behind home plate. It was a hole though. It was one of the many charmless cookie cutter ball parks from the sixties. Think the Vet without the attitude. Shea without the airplanes. The Astrodome without the aura. It was the place I witnessed my first ballgame. It was the place where as a kid George Brett made a gesture to get my attention just so he could return the wave I gave him from the stands. I grew up an Astros fan but since I lived in Arlington, had to watch the fruitless Rangers. Their seasons usually went like this. Play like gang busters in April and May, cool off in June as the weather became warmer, cling to first or second come All Star time, and then fall dramatically during the sweltering second half. I think the Rangers finished second once or twice while I was growing up.

Arlington Stadium does have its limited place in baseball history. It was the birthplace of nachos at the ball park. They didn't just give you some tortilla chips and then slip some melted cheese into a tiny cup attached to the plate; no, they smothered your nachos with cheese. Want beef with that? You got it. Jalapenos? Well help yourself; they are out there by the condiments. Ah, good times! My dad could take the four of us to game, sit behind home plate (the screened part, not the nose bleeds), buy beer, nachos, and peanuts and a souvenir batting helmet for $60. I spent nearly $100 recently at Shea for two tickets and a bobble head.

Arlington Stadium also has its limited place in my memory. I witnessed good games and bad games there. One of my favorite memories was the opening four days of the 1980 season. It snowed in Arlington in April and they still played. Not only that, they played a double header. However, the Rangers opened their season 4-0 by sweeping the Yankees. I was at all four. I still wish I had my Beat the Yankees hankie that they gave away before one of the games. I have other memories beside the Brett memory and beating the snot out of the Yankees. I remember going with my parents and showing up at the ball park before the gates opened. Two hours before the gates opened, in fact. My brother, Kyle, and I still laugh that we would show up outside the right field fence at 4:00 for a 7:30 game. My mom's rationale was we have to get there before the crowds. Sure Mom, but do we have to get there before the visiting team? Anyway, we would show up and be bored out of our minds for two hours until the excitement of the staff removing the chains from the locks. Then it was go time. We were off to the races. We always ran to get seats on the first row of general admission section and watch not only the Rangers take batting practice but the visiting team as well. It was not all bad, though. I usually came home with some pitcher's autograph. I would toss them my ball while they warmed up doing calisthenics in the outfield. I met Jim Kern, Steve Comer, Danny Darwin, Goose Gossage, Jon Matlack, Gaylord Perry, Fergie Jenkins—all players who stopped sucking when they wore another uniform. My brother worked the grounds crew during the summer of ’81 (the hot one). He brought me Al Oliver's hat, Jim Sundberg's broken bat. One of my favorite stories that Kyle tells is the time he met Mickey Rivers. He told Mickey that he wore number 17, played outfield, batted leadoff to which Mickey scoffed, "Yeah, but you ain't black." Touché!

I attended my last game at Arlington Stadium during the summer of '89, five years before they would open The Ballpark at Arlington. My then girlfriend and now wife Jamie went to see the Rangers play the Mariners. I don't even remember a kid named Ken Griffey Jr manning the outfield. What I remember best was witnessing the only triple play I have seen in my life. I do not remember all of the details except Steve Bueschele hit a hard grounder to Dave Valle at third and before I knew it, the promising inning was over and the Rangers trudged on to another loss.

I finally witnessed my first game at the new ball park this summer—a loss to the hated Yankees. The more things change, the more they stay the same.

Jake Austen
In 2000 for some reason I attended the last game at Tigers Stadium, and it was a spectacular production, with a melodramatic, sentimental post-game ceremony that involved a seemingly unending parade of Tigers legends running, hobbling and being wheeled onto the field to take their historic positions for the final time. I was glad to be there, but it meant little to me as I never had particularly strong feelings for the Tigers. Once when I was sitting in the Comiskey Park bleachers between a group of Michigan girl scouts who were holding up Kirk Gibson signs and a group of “Gibby’s” buddies I witnessed the then-future hobbling homerun hero make obscene gestures at his friends, somehow not noticing the proximity of 8 year old girls, but that is something that shaped my opinion of Gibby rather than of the Tigers. I admire a quote by Tiger’s skipper Jim Leyland about Magglio Ordonez’ long curly locks that went something like, “He’s I grown man, I’m not going to tell him he has to cut his hair. But it looks terrible.” Still that didn’t make me a Tigers fan. And I didn’t even become a Tigers hater after attending a New Comiskey Park game earlier in Detroit’s historic 2000 season in which the White Sox and Tigers had a series of brawls, the longest of which was an almost 15 minute sprawling melee that involved dozens of players wandering around the field like two armies in field combat, occasionally exploding into genuinely bloody fisticuffs. At one point Magglio, then a young White Sock, actually used a karate kick on someone. This led to the biggest mass suspension in MLB history and was a highlight of the 10th season of New Comiskey Park.

Oh yeah, that’s what I was writing about. My original point was that the final game in Detroit was a spectacular production, especially compared to the low-key affair I attended on September 30, 1990. At the time the 80 year old Comiskey was the oldest park in baseball and was in the shadow of the soon-to-be newest park, a blue spaceship-looking monstrosity that despite having less seats towered over the old whitewashed brick stadium due to the extra level of luxury boxes and an elevated playing field necessitated by a space-age drainage system designed to allow safe ballplaying an hour after a monsoon. Anyhow, my brother, father, friend Marcus, one of my teachers, and myself were part of 42.849 attending the swansong of the “Baseball Palace of the World.” The Sox had already diminished the occasion by selling it as a two-part finale, billing Saturday’s game as “closing night” and ending it with spectacular fireworks. The only ceremonies I recall for the last game were the players throwing some balls into the stands and attendees receiving 8 ½” x 11” certificates to frame your historic ticket that looked like something you got at day camp for participation in a camp Olympics.

The game itself was kind of perfect. It was a 2-1 victory over Seattle (there seemed to be more 2-1 losses or wins than any other score in Sox history). In our one scoring inning the best Sox triples hitter of my lifetime Lance Johnson was driven in by a solid single by the best pure hitter of my lifetime Frank Thomas, who came home on (bizarrely) a triple by lumbering, pot-smoking power hitter Dan Pasqua. Considering that Sox fans have more expectations of seeing something strange than seeing actual great baseball this seemed fitting.

The most memorable part of the day came in the morning when I called up my visiting art school teacher Richard Merkin to wake him up for the delecious pre-game brunch my mom prepared. Merkin, a well known painter (he’s in the Sgt. Pepper’s album cover montage) was staying in a downtown private club where he was surprised by the call, stumbled out of bed, and broke his nose. He arrived at our home with a bulbous crooked honker and some distressed under-eye blood vessels, forever convincing my mom that he was W.C. Fields-esque damaged drunk. But besides that footnote, it was just a cool last game, totally appropriate for a team whose fans understand that they are rooting for the second team in the second city, a team who plays for working class dudes, broad shouldered broads, shirtless teens getting high in the upper deck, and for pockets of whatever ethnicity is populating the southside each decade. We are not supposed to have the national spotlight or the fanciest anything. The fact that out shiny new park, with instantly cracking concrete walkways and perilously steep upper decks, was a disaster seemed appropriate. It was quickly made obsolete by Baltimore’s retro park, marking new Comiskey as the last terrible ballpark, and only an expensive re-retro-ization a decade and a half later (they removed the UFO façade and added old time wrought iron awnings) has made it a decent digs for the first Chicago team to win a 21st Century World Series.

But there actually was one perfect “ceremony” to end the final game at the grand old, beautifully crumbling park. As we left Nancy Faust, the ageless veteran ballpark organist, the woman who introduced rock music to baseball parks and whose musical puns (“In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida” for Pete Incaviglia) put Chris Berman to shame, played us out with a song she introduced to professional sports. As fans wandered down the dank walkways out of Comiskey one final time her organ gently wept “Na Na Na – Na Na Na – Hey Hey Goodbye!”

A Ray of Hope: The Devil Speaks Out

The Tampa Bay Devil Rays finished in last place in the Al East in 2007. In 2008 the Tampa Bay Rays finished first in the AL East and made it to the World Series for the first time. Was it the development of the club’s young starters? The emergence of Rookie of the Year candidate Evan Longoria? The wisdom of the wily veteran Cliff Floyd? Nope—it’s because the franchise’s deal with The Devil was finally over after a decade. Without “Devil” in their name (and the dark prince of all that is unholy messing up the works) Tampa Bay finally has a winner. To get more on this story, we tracked down The Devil at his vacation home in the Caribbean, where he was creating hurricanes to destroy lives in North America.

Zisk: So what do I call you? Satan? Beelzebub? Your holy darkness?

The Devil: You can call me Ron—but just don't call me late to dinner like my last wife, Anna Nicole Smith! Whoa, I thought things would be great when I brought her down to my pad, but she would not shut up! She was the eighth wife in a row I had to burn to a crisp.

Zisk: Well, Ron, after seeing that South Park movie, I thought you were gay.

The Devil: That was just a phase I went through. I was young, I needed the souls.

Zisk: Um, okay. So as I understand it, you originally made a deal with former Rays owner Vince Naimoli that you would make Major League Baseball give him an expansion franchise. And part of that deal was you getting a piece of the name?

The Devil: Well, the deal for the devil name was only for 10 years because I wasn’t sure how being associated with the game would impact my public image. I mean, this was right after the strike of 1994, and baseball’s public image wasn’t much better than mine. (Laughs evilly) So I said we’d do a deal for a 10-year period only, and that we would revisit it during the 2007 season.

Zisk: Legend has it that when you make a deal for a soul, people usually get something great at first and then it comes back to bite them in the end. It seems to me with the Devil Rays that nothing good ever happened.

The Devil: Well, Naimoli said he wanted a competitive team quickly, and he got one. They did compete in games. That didn’t mean they would actually win any of those games. You humans are always suckers. Well, except for that Daniel Webster guy. That case still chaps my ass.

Zisk: I guess it’s easy to hold grudges when you’re immortal. So now that the deal with the team expired when Naimoli sold and the new ownership group removed your name from the team, do you have any regrets about causing all that misery? I mean, people did notice the team started playing better when your name was taken off the uniforms.

The Devil: Nah, I don’t have any regrets. That deal got me great seats to see the Red Sox and the Yankees. Being the lord of all that is unholy doesn’t get you great seats at Fenway without at least a grand to back it up.

Zisk: One last question while I have you on the phone—who did the worse job portraying you on the big screen—Al Pacino or Elizabeth Hurley?

The Devil: Oh, Pacino, that’s for certain. The day we signed that deal so he could be in The Godfather he said to me, “I like your style. I’m going to remember that if I ever play you in a movie.” He got my hair all wrong.

The Zisk Classic Book Corner by Mark Hughson

Summer of ’49 by David Halberstam
When you are writing a book solely about two teams (Yanks and Sox) during a single season of baseball, you can certainly afford to go in depth about the teams and go on at length about the players. But would you really want to? The book itself follows a fairly linear path, but isn’t all that captivating a story, since we already know the outcome. While Joe DiMaggio and Ted Williams get the most pages and the most hero worship, Halberstam goes deep into the lineup, giving us the entire roster for both teams, and the forgotten (or just overshadowed) players like Bobby Doerr, Chuck Stobbs, Ellis Kinder, and Birdie Tebbetts get highlighted as solid teammates, exceptional athletes, or at least interesting characters. Ted and Joe were amazing men, but they didn’t make or maintain the old dynasties single-handedly. Overall there’s a lot to learn but Halberstam doesn’t give us a lot to ponder—he’s just relaying the facts (the book is indeed well researched) right off the timeline. Thankfully his style is warm and nostalgic, so the book definitely falls into the pleasure-read category. If you’re into Williams and DiMaggio this book is up your alley; personally my favorite parts were about the stingy bastard George Weiss, local restaurant owner and confidant, Toots Shor, and of course the voice of baseball, Mel Allen. Apparently it was Allen’s idea to put a camera in the outfield giving us the now standard perspective that’s seen in all ball games on TV.

Halberstam is a respected author and this book sold well when first published in 1989, but while the book “celebrates a simpler America” it’s also a relatively simple book. If you’re looking for a book with dirt in its cleats then move on.

White Rat by Whitey Herzog with Kevin Horrigan
Whoever thought using Herzog’s nickname for a book title should have been fired on the spot. Herzog casts a pretty favorable light on himself (the book was published in 1987, during his moment in the sun) in this autobiography, and while one may chuckle at his claims of being baseball’s best talent scout, manager, coach, or whatever position he once held during his tenure in baseball, the book does have some good qualities. The first comes right at the beginning, where Herzog breaks down a “day in the life” of a manager, the early start, the meetings with players and press, handing in the lineup card—everything. It’s a pretty neat look at all the work that’s done in a day, since all we see on TV is an old dude sitting in the dugout with his arms folded. The next best part of the book happens at the very end. Herzog decides to pull no punches and talks pretty frankly about cocaine use, inflated salaries, and the politics of baseball. He names some names, but it’s nothing that’s not common knowledge these days. Still, it’s cool to see someone rant about these things rather than try to sweep it under the America’s Pastime rug. Otherwise, White Rat goes through the motions of your typical baseball book (the bad years, the rebuild years, that one great year), and is neither impressive nor offensive to the typical baseball lit fan. That one great year the Cardinals had (1982) was cool though: with guys like Lonnie Smith, Ozzie Smith, Willie McGee, Keith Hernandez, and Tom Herr becoming World Series champions, Herzog makes a pretty strong case for having one of, if not the best, small ball teams in baseball history. He tried to repeat the formula a few years later with some of the same guys as well as Vince Coleman and Andy Van Slyke, but alas fate had other plans. Final tally—pretty good read, horrible title!

Mark Hughson lives in Syracuse, NY and enjoys baseball. His knowledge of the game is comprised entirely from 1980s paperback books he purchases at the local library for 50 cents.

More of the Baseball and Rock Connection by Steve reynolds

A Home Run for The Baseball Project

What happens when two great songwriters decide to focus their talents upon their favorite sport? You get the highly entertaining debut disc from The Baseball Project, Volume One: Frozen Ropes and Dying Quails. The album is the brainchild of Steve Wynn (Dream Syndicate, Steve Wynn and the Miracle 3) and Scott McCaughey (Young Fresh Fellows, Minus 5, and R.E.M) and includes R.E.M’s Peter Buck chipping in on various stringed instruments. Due to the interview Mike and I did with Scott for issue 14, McCaughey hatched the idea for us to write the bio to be sent out with the album to the press. So for the first time ever, here is the complete unedited interview I did with Scott and Steve for the bio.

Zisk: How long have you guys known each other?

SM: Good question. I'm not sure when we first met! Maybe Steve remembers? I can tell you I first saw the Dream Syndicate play in 1983, opening for U2, then saw them in 1984 opening for R.E.M. But I don't think I met Steve until quite a bit later.

SW: I honestly think the first time we met was side-by-side at the urinals at the Offramp in Seattle when I played there in 1992. You didn't try to shake my hand.

Zisk: When did the idea for this project get started?

SM: We've been blathering about it for three or four years I guess. Finally shut up and did it!

SW: And the project finally took flight at the R.E.M. pre-Hall of Fame induction party at del Posto in New York last year. Everyone was happy. The wine was flowing, the food was incredible and spring training had just started. Scott and I talked baseball until most of the party guests had cleared out. And we remembered it the next day. It was meant to be.

Zisk: Had you ever referred to baseball in any of your previous songs?

SM: I tried to write lots of baseball songs before, but none of them quite made it. We refer to the Mariners and Gorman Thomas in the Young Fresh Fellows song "Aurora Bridge," and subtitled our Topsy Turvy album Where is Gorman Thomas? Oh, and Steve had that great song at the end of the film Fever Pitch.

SW: Yeah, I wrote that song "Second Best" when Fever Pitch was meant to be about the futility of being a Red Sox fan. The hook line was "Why do I settle for second best, why is everything a test, just this once can't nice guys finish first and break this curse of always second best." Yeah, and then they won the World Series. Maybe I should take credit. Oh, and I also mentioned Mickey Mantle and Stan Musial in my song "Kerosene Man."

Zisk: Were these songs more difficult to write than regular songs, considering the amount of real players and baseball terms you work into the lyrics? (For example, making all names of the pitchers who threw perfect games flow in “Harvey Haddix.”)

SM: As I recall, the list of pitchers in “Harvey Haddix” was getting perfected and changed right up until Steve cut the vocal track. We actually cut out some of the player listed in a few songs, thanks to Linda [Pitmon, drummer and Steve’s wife] and her keen ear for editing the blowhard songster geeks! It wasn't hard to find the inspiration for the songs, but yes, it was hard to fit in the all the lyrics necessary to tell the stories. It really helped to keep the music fairly simple. Although for Volume 2, we might try to do a prog-rock suite in four movements about Casey Stengel.

SW: The “Harvey Haddix” thing was like lyrical soduku. We had to some how fit in all 17 pitchers. The last piece of the puzzle was a visit to Wikipedia and finding that Catfish Hunter threw his for the A's (we knew that already) and that Len Barker threw his against the Blue Jays. (We didn't know that.) A natural rhyme was born. There are obviously an infinite amount of subjects for a record like this and once Scott and I got rolling the songs just didn't stop. We probably could have made Volume 2 the next week.

Zisk: Did you have to do any research about the players you wrote about? Or did you use your baseball knowledge?

SM: Both. For instance I wrote “Past Time” off the top of my head, then later checked a few things to see if my memory was relatively accurate. I had a line about Walter Johnson that was statistically incorrect, ended up changing it up a bit about Denny McLain. The Willie Mays song was all based on personal experience, but I did look up that Series game in 1973 to make sure he really did make that error that I remembered. I had read Satchel Paige's autobiography, so I used a lot I'd gleaned from that. “Big Ed Delahanty” was adapted from a poem my brother wrote, partly based on a book by Mike Sowell. I did use the book and other sources to help me re-do the lyrics. I think some of the songs on the next album will be completely fictional though. Facts are over-rated.

SW: I mostly focused on my favorite players, oddballs and the emotions and frustrations behind the fabled legends. "Long Before My Time" doesn't mention Sandy Koufax by name but it deals with the universal dilemma of knowing when to quit. I believe that in the song he poses the choice of burning out vs. fading away at the same age that Neil Young posed the same question. And I've always loved the Ted Williams story from Ball Four—he would shout "I'm Ted Fucking Williams and I’m the best hitter in baseball" during batting practice. It was a perfect subject for a rock song if not for the censors.

Zisk: Who is your favorite baseball player ever? Did they make it into any of these songs?

SM: Gotta be Willie Mays. And the proof is in the wax. And I really did have a dream about him, and wrote “Sometimes I Dream of Willie Mays” the next day.

SW: For me it's Sandy Koufax. Such an incredible five year run and then he just walked away. He was in the Hall of Fame at an age where most players are renegotiating their contracts.

Zisk: Did either of you play baseball as a kid?

SM: Four years of Little League, ages 9 - 12. I was mediocre, but got to play a fair amount because I wore "the tools of ignorance." I was an all-star my one year in "the minors" (age 10), then went my entire first year in "the majors" (age 11) without a hit. But we played "unorganized" baseball all summer long at the schoolyard next door. And I played in organized softball leagues in my 20s and 30s. Not anymore though—people get too wound up and pissed off, and anyway I'd hurt myself with my no-regard-for-life-or-limb style of play.

SW: I loved baseball but never played on a team. I was an only child living in a remote part of LA so there weren't many other kids around. My buddy Mark and I would play Over-The-Line all the time since there was just two of us. I got really good at the art of fungo but still can't do much against actual pitching.

Zisk: I guess this one is directed more at Steve—being a California guy, did you get swept up in Fernandomania?

SW: Who couldn't love Fernando? Nobody knew if he was 21 or 40. It was an amazing few months that were cut short by the 1981 strike. I think he should have sued.

SM: Even I couldn't hate Fernando, although he was on hated Dodgers...

Zisk: So the album is titled Volume One—should we expect a Volume Two?

SM: It seems inevitable! After all, we haven't written songs about Ichiro or Bill Veeck yet.

SW: Or Eddie Gaedel!


Eddie Vedder Goes All the Way for His Cubs

Pearl Jam singer Eddie Vedder is best known as the guy from Seattle who spawned a thousand worthless vocal copycats. But Vedder was actually born in Chicago and has been a Cubs fan for many years. In 2006 he even took to the booth at Wrigley Field to fill the shoes of the late Harry Carey in singing a somewhat alcohol-infected version of “Take Me Out to the Ballgame.”

This summer Vedder was approached by Mr. Cub himself, Ernie Banks, to write a song about the team’s playoff push and the 100 years of futility that every Cub fan hoped would end this year. [Ed note--nope.] Vedder took up the challenge and debuted the song, “All the Way,” during his solo shows at Chicago’s Auditorium Theater in early August. A couple of radio stations started playing a bootleg of the song that then spread to bars around Wrigley. And while Pearl Jam’s music might not be up the alley of half of the Zisk editorial team [Ed note—it’s not Steve], Vedder has penned a song that captures what Cubs fans we know are feeling. So here are the lyrics to “All the Way:”

Yeah, don't let anyone say that it's just a game.
For I've seen other teams and it's never the same.
When you're born in Chicago, you're blessed and you're healed,
The first time you walk into Wrigley Field.
Our heroes wear pinstripes and heroes in blue,
Give us the chance to feel like heroes too.
Whether we'll win and if we should lose, we know
Someday we'll go all the way.
Yeah, someday we'll go all the way.

We are one with the Cubs, with the Cubs we're in love.
Yeah, hold our heads high as the underdogs.
We are not fair-weather, but foul-weather fans.
Like brothers in arms, in the streets and the stands.
There's magic in the Ivy and the old scoreboard.
The same one I stared at as a kid keeping score.
In a world full of greed, I could never want more.Someday we'll go all the way.
Yeah, someday we'll go all the way.
Someday we'll go all the way.
Yeah, someday we'll go all the way.

And here's to the men and the legends we've known.
Teaching us faith and giving us hope.
United we stand and united we'll fall
Down to our knees the day we win it all.
Yeah, Ernie Banks said, "Oh, let's play two."
Or did he mean two hundred years?
In this same ballpark, our diamond, our jewel.
The home of our joy and our tears.
Keeping traditions, and wishes made new,
The place where our grandfathers' fathers, they grew.
The spiritual feeling if I ever knew.
And when the day comes for that last winning run,
and I'm crying and covered in beer.
I look to the sky and know I was right today.
Someday we'll go all the way.
Yeah, someday we'll go all the way.
Someday we'll go all the way.
Yeah, someday we'll go all the way.
(Lyrics © 2008 Eddie Vedder/Innocent Bystander ASCAP)

A Golden Voice for the Braves: Emmylou Harris


Emmylou Harris is best known for her haunting harmony vocals that have enriched albums for over three decades and her collaborations with the late country rock pioneer Gram Parsons, Dolly Parton and Linda Ronstadt on Trio and most recently All the Roadrunning, a tremendous album recorded with former Dire Straits frontman Mark Knopfler. While Harris was doing a series of interviews promoting her latest solo disc All I Intended to Be we got to briefly chat about her love of baseball and the Atlanta Braves.

Zisk: Do you think John Smoltz will come back next year for the Braves?

EH: Oh man. The guy is so determined to play. And certainly the fact that he can be a closer as well as a starter gives him more of an opportunity to come back.

Zisk: With all the promo duties of a new album and touring, have you gotten to watch any games at all?

EH: I’ve gotten to watch a few games, but not as many as I’d have liked because for some reason they put all the Braves games on a channel I can’t get. And then when I try to get it on my computer they think I can get it so they black it out. (Laughs) But there is XM radio, so I can listen to every single ballgame.

Zisk: I assume you’ll have that on the bus, but you’re probably on stage when the games are being played.

EH: True, but I also subscribe to MLB.TV for my computer so I can watch the games afterwards. Of course when you’ve seen the score by then, so who wants to watch a game unless their team has won? (Laughs)

Zisk: Exactly!

EH: My brother used to do that. He went to Auburn when Alabama would be up on them every year. It was a very painful time to go to Auburn. And even now, for years he would tape the Auburn-Alabama game and find out the score. And he would only watch the game if Auburn won.

SR: So how do you feel about this current Braves team?

EH: I think they’ve got some great young players. I love this guy Yunel Escobar. And Chipper Jones has had a great year. It’s too bad we didn’t have the pitching because we lost Smoltz and then Tom Glavine. Some of the young guys I don’t know because I haven’t seen them enough this season. It’s baseball—you gotta take the knocks. We had some great years. But at a time like this you gotta stick with your team. Fortunately I love baseball enough to where I can really enjoy watching a game and seeing the subtleties of the game. I thank God for baseball. That’s how I chill out. I enjoy it.

Zisk: I obviously knew before coming in that you were a Braves fan, but I didn’t find an explanation why. Is it that Atlanta is the closest city to Nashville that had a major league team?

EH: Well, there you were either a Cubs fan or a Braves fan because it was either TBS or WGN. And I didn’t have enough soul to be a Cubs fan! (Laughs)

The Some Star Game by John Shiffert

In the words of Lee Sinins, the Mid-Summer Classic has become the “Some Star Game.” Not a bad moniker for a contest that, in 2008, featured a National League roster with (for some obscure reason) Carlos Marmol and his 2-3, 4.13 ERA record, but was not graced by the presence of Derek Lee, Magglio Ordonez, Mike Lowell, Ryan Howard (who only led the majors in home runs), Carlos Lee or Pat Burrell (among others). While there were a lot of stars who could have appeared at Yankee Stadium, the addition of Marmol was clearly the strangest inclusion, brought about only because he received the highest vote total among relief pitchers on the players’ ballot—just proving that the players aren’t any better than the fans in picking All-Stars.

The current Byzantine voting set-up, involving ballot box (or e-mail in box) stuffing from 30 locations, an on-line fan vote for the 32nd man, the players voting, allowing Clint Hurdle to choose extras, and requirements for all teams to have a representative, even if that representative has been reprehensible (remember Mike Williams appearing for the NL a few years back with an ERA over 6), regularly produces atrocities such as this. There are better (and a lot more fun) ways to choose All-Star teams, such as Theme Teams, a concept originally created and master-minded by that master of trivial pursuits, Bruce Brown. Like the Star Trek All-Star Team…

C – Dick Rand
1B – George Scott
2B – Benny McCoy
SS – Mark Koenig
3B – Jay Kirke
OF – Bones Ely
OF – Rodney Scott
OF – Reid Nichols
PH – Tom Kirk
P – Ricky Bones
P – Mike Scott
P – Jack Scott
P – Kid Nichols
P – Chet Nichols
MGR – Kid Nichols

In case any of you aren’t Star Trek fans (can there exist such benighted souls), it can be pointed out that the real names, character names and nicknames of the stars of the starship Enterprise form the basis for the team and, of course, this is only for the true stars, the original cast. (Sadly, no one named Spock, Nimoy, Sulu or Takei has ever played MLB.) Most of these worthies are pretty familiar, with the exception of Tom Kirk, who appeared in a single game as a pinch-hitter for his hometown Philadelphia Athletics on June 24, 1947, and catcher Rand. Probably no relation to yeoman Janice, he caught 69 games in the National League in the 50s. Manager/pitcher Kid Nichols is a genuine gold-plated Hall of Famer.

Then there are those who write and vote for Hall of Famers. It seems only fitting that some of the top current baseball writers/authors should have their own Writers All-Star team.

C – Matt Stark (Jayson)
1B – Dusty Baker (Jim)
2B – Daff Gammons (Peter)
SS – Dolly Stark
3B – Home Run Baker
OF – David Newhan (Ross)
OF – Larry Rosenthal (Ken)
OF – Si Rosenthal
P – Dennis Stark
P – Big Bill James (Duh… Bill)
P – Seattle Bill James
P – Ken Holtzman (Jerome)
P – Kevin Hagen (Paul)
MGR – Dusty Baker

Yes, there really was a player named Daff Gammons, look him up on baseball-reference.com. Utilityman David Newhan has an inside advantage here, he’s the son of long-time LA sportswriter Ross Newhan. Sadly, no one named Neyer has ever played MLB.

Some of the most interesting All-Star teams are those that shuffle players around into unaccustomed positions. Like the All-Closer Team. This bunch is made up of players who, at one time or another, were used to finish (or close) a game from the mound.

C – Brent Mayne/Jamie Burke (platoon)
1B – Jack Bentley
2B – Dick Hall
SS – Doc Crandall
3B – Charles Bender
OF – Ron Guidry
OF – Hal Jeffcoat
OF – Gene Garber
PH – Terry Forster
SP – Dennis Eckersley
SP – John Smoltz
MGR – Clark Griffith

Burke just made his way into a platoon with Mayne by taking the mound in July as an emergency reliever for the Mariners. Although he was tagged with the loss (the first time an erstwhile catcher picked up an “L” as a pitcher since Roger Breshnahan more than 100 years ago), Burke still received an ovation as he came off the mound. You may recall back in 2000 that Mayne highlighted an unexceptional career by getting the win in an extra-inning game for the Rockies.

As for the other team members, Bentley was a combination pitcher/first baseman, mostly for the New York Giants. Hall came up to the major leagues from Swarthmore College as an infielder/outfielder before becoming a very effective side-arming reliever. Crandall, another New York Giant, was one of the first relief pitchers, and an excellent hitter as well for John McGraw in the first decade of the 20th Century. He was a good enough athlete to play several positions, as was Bender, who Connie Mack used in the outfield and at third base more than once. Although Bender is better known as a Hall of Fame starter, he at one time shared the major league record for saves in a season, with 13. Guidry and Garber were both pitchers who had adventures in center field and, in case you’ve forgotten, Guidry came up as a reliever. Jeffcoat was an outfielder who couldn’t hit and who later became a pretty decent relief pitcher. Forster was a relief pitcher who could hit (a .397 career average). Eckersley and Smoltz are the two most notable starter/relievers, while Griffith had the most success among pitcher/managers.

Finally, in noting that baseball has become an international sport over the past 50 years, here’s the All-Foreign Team. As Bruce Brown (who also contributed to this team, as did Brian Englehardt) points out, this team shamelessly mixes nouns and adjectives, but, then again, as my father and daughter will tell you, I’ve never been an All-Star grammarian.

C – Dane Sardinha
1B – Frank Brazill
2B – Neal “Mickey” Finn
SS – Swede Risberg
3B – Woody English
OF – Frenchy Bordagary
OF – Irish Meusel
OF – Brian Jordan
PH – Israel Alcantara
PH – Greek George
PH – Tim Ireland
PR – Germany Schafer
P – Larry French
P – Egyptian Healy
P – Franklyn German
P – Mike Scott
P – Chris Welsh

Bench/Bullpen
Mark Portugal
Ossie France
Dick Pole
Joe Malay
Blas Monaco
Jim French
Chile Gomez
Dane Iorg
Dane Johnson
German Barranca
Esteban German
George Scott
(along with about 50 other Scotts)
Charlie English
Gil English
Israel Sanchez
Jimmy Welsh
Chad Curtis
Dutch Leonard
(both of them)
Dutch Ruether
Turkey Stearns


Now, as to how the 2008 game went…five hours? Fifteen innings? Twenty three pitchers? Three errors and three strikeouts by the same player? The prospect of outfielders or third basemen going to the mound to pitch? The possibility of calling the game due to a lack of players? Sounds more like the slow pitch softball game at the office picnic. Maybe that’s because the All-Star Game, the last professional contest of its type that actually was worth paying attention to, has hit rock bottom. Thanks to an overabundance of tacky promos, tacky players, tacky votes and voters, tacky administrators and tacky rules, the All-Star Game has gone in the tack. Well, give some credit to interleague play as well, but you get the picture. Even the artifice of playing for home field advantage in the World Series is really pretty meaningless, since the home field advantage in baseball is nowhere near as significant as it is in say, basketball.

Home Run Derby? A moderately interesting TV show set in Los Angeles’ Wrigley Field around 1960. So what does that have to do with the All-Star Game? Ditto Corey Hart, Carlos Marmol, Brian Wilson (when did he leave The Beach Boys?), Mark Redman and Mike Williams (among others)—what do they have to do with the All-Star Game? Think the fans won’t tune in to watch if they don’t have a hand in the vote? How many were still watching at 1:30 a.m., whether they voted or not? Bud.com? Enough said. Requiring a player from each team and not putting a ceiling on the number of players from a team? Welcome to a Spring Training game between the Cubs and the Red Sox (about the same level of relevance as the July 15 abomination). Fans, writers, sportscasters, executives, etc—you can buy into the hype that this was one of the great All-Star games (true only if you equate “long” with “great” and have no interest in Dan Uggla), or you can realize that the Commissioner has no clothes, and look for ways to fix this broken institution.

It didn’t used to be this way. All-Star games in baseball have been around since “Picked Nines” (the term used in the 1850s and 1860s) from New York and Brooklyn squared off in a three-game set at the Fashion Race Course in 1858. Various other all-star type contests were held sporadically over the ensuing 75 years, including two in one year—a fund-raiser during the 1911 season for Addie Joss’ widow and a series of post-season games to keep the Philadelphia Athletics sharp while waiting to begin the 1911 World Series against the New York Giants. So, when sportswriter Arch Ward suggested a mid-season exhibition game (for that is, in reality, what the All-Star Game is) in conjunction with the Chicago World’s Fair in 1933, it was hardly a new idea. Maybe you recall that Connie Mack and the then-recently-retired John McGraw managed the teams for their respective leagues. Maybe you remember that Babe Ruth fittingly enough hit the first All-Starr home run. But what you probably don’t know is that there were just 18 players on each squad, and a half dozen of them didn’t even get into the game. Jimmie Foxx didn’t play. Bill Dickey didn’t play. Tony Lazzeri didn’t play. (And all three of them would eventually be voted into the Hall of Fame.) Why not? Maybe because Mack and McGraw, old World Series adversaries from way back, were actually trying to win the game. Mack only used 13 players—his eight starting position players, three pitchers, a pinch-hitter and pair of fresh legs (Sam West) as a defensive replacement for the aging Ruth. McGraw substituted more freely, as only pitcher Hal Schumacher, one of only four pitchers on the NL squad (the AL had just five), didn’t get into the game. Of course, putting Paul Waner, Pie Traynor and Gabby Hartnett (also three future Hall of Famers) into the game as subs was hardly conceding the contest to Mack.

The AL jumped on top 3-0 early off of a wild Wild Bill Hallahan, as Lefty Gomez, of all people, singled in Jimmy Dykes in the bottom of the second, and Ruth hit his home run in the bottom of the third. A sixth inning NL home run by Frank Frisch off General Crowder wasn’t enough, since Mack then brought in his ace, Lefty Grove, to pitch the last three (shutout) innings. It was, by all accounts, a good game and everyone had a good time. Not everyone in the game was destined to go to Cooperstown. Among the less-noteworthy players were Tony Cuccinello, Woody English, Jimmie Wilson and Oral Hildebrand. But there were a lot of great players. Future Hall of Famers not already mentioned included Earl Averill, Joe Cronin, Lou Gehrig (the reason Foxx didn’t play), Rick Ferrell, Charlie Gehringer, Al Simmons (all from the AL, Mack had 12 future Hall of Famers among his 18 players), Chick Hafey and Chuck Klein. While the Hall qualifications of some of these players can be (and have been) questioned, you better believe this was a game of stars.

The question is, how do we get back to making the All-Star Game a Midsummer Classic, instead of a Midsummer’s Nightmare? Doing away with interleague play would be a good start, but for now let’s stick to just the rules of the All-Star Game in terms of a fix. Here are six suggestions…

First – Take the vote away from the fans. Trust me on this, they’ll still come to the game and they’ll still watch on TV, especially if they’re guaranteed to see two true all-star teams in action. Give the vote to a panel of experts, including the BBWAA and the many and varied baseball writers who don’t belong to the BBWAA, but who in many cases know far more about baseball and player value than many of the establishment type—the Bill James, Rob Neyers, Jim Bakers, Bill Chucks, John Thorns, Pete Palmers, Dayn Perrys, Lee Sinins, Bruce Browns, SABR board of directors, Baseball Prospectus guys, some of the top internet moguls, etc., etc., etc., of the baseball-writing world. Maybe add in another panel of baseball execs—managers and GMs—who will vote by sealed ballot with the codicil that they are not allowed to vote for their own players.

Second – Establish new guidelines for voting. The voters are to take into consideration not just the first three months of the current season (which is the basic problem that produces a Some-Star Game), but the body of each players’ work over his entire career, and especially his play in the second half of the just-concluded season. This last rule is designed to end the all-too-common practice of someone who has a great second half not getting all-star recognition. All three factors – the first half of the current year, the second half of the previous year, and the career, are to be balanced equally in consideration in voting. Three separate ballots are to be cast for position players (16), starting pitchers (three) and relief pitchers (five). That’s two players per position. The pitchers are designated the All-Star Game starter, an emergency starter in case someone comes down with flu-like symptoms or the erstwhile starter starts a regular game on Sunday, and a long man. Five relievers, even in this age of specialization, is plenty. That’s a squad of 24, and that, too, is plenty. How many regular season games have you seen wherein a manager used more than 20 players?

Third – Throw out the rule that every team has to have an all-star, and put a limit on the number of players that can be selected from each team. Although every team was represented in the 1933 game, there were only eight teams in each league at that time. With either 14 or 16 teams in a league, you get Grant Jackson, Mark Redman and Mike Williams on the roster too often. On the other hand, the Yankees had six of the 18 AL players in the 1933 game, and the New York Giants had four of the NL’s 18, and that’s not right, either. Limit each team to a maximum of four All-Stars. It’s absurd to have eight players from one team as All-Stars, although that in part is a function of ballot box stuffing, which would go away with a more rational system of voting.

Fourth – Eliminate the restrictions on the number of innings a pitcher can pitch. Similarly, ditch the unwritten rule that everyone should, if at all possible, get into the game. Not pulling your starting position players after three innings will help ensure that you won’t run out of position players. Being able to throw your starter for five or six or seven innings, or being able to use your long man for four innings, will also cut way down on the likelihood that you’ll run out of pitchers in an extra inning game. As part of this change, and although the DH is an abomination in the sight of all true baseball fans, let’s indeed use it for all All-Star games, to keep pitchers in the game longer.

Fifth – Ditch the sideshows, especially the Home Run Derby, which reeks of the stupid skills contests they used to have before games in the first half of the 20th Century. (It was in such an event that Rube Waddell broke both the hind legs of an enormous pig…but that’s another story.) The game should be enough of a draw to stand on its own, and it will, if changes like these are instituted.

Sixth – It’s an exhibition game, for goodness sake. Forget about the stupid World Series home field advantage rule and allow the game to end in a tie if need be. Regular season major league games used to end in ties all the time in the days of curfews, and before lights. And this is an exhibition game. It doesn’t count in the standings.

But it should be closer to a real game, played by the real stars. And these are six ways to do just that. Under the present system, Arch Ward is rolling in his grave.

John Shiffert is the author of Baseball: 1862-2003, Baseball… Then and Now, and Base Ball in Philadelphia. He also publishes a weekly baseball zine called Baseball...19 to 21. You can read it at http://tedsilary.com/johnshiffert.htm.

The Comedy of Baseball by Steve Reynolds

September 19th, 2008 will be a day that lives in baseball infamy. No, not because the Mets bullpen held a lead, it’s because of a three minute piece of video that popped up on You Tube. This video from 2003 shows Royals Hall of Fame third basemen George Brett at spring training talking to a player about how he shit his pants the night before. It’s quite possibly the funniest video I’ve ever seen (besides that monkey washing the cat). I knew that that some media company would have it taken down quickly because it was obviously a pro shot video. So I took matters into my own hands by recording the audio portion. So here, in all its glory, is the genius of George Brett.

(WARNING: If you are offended by shitloads of foul language, you might want to stop reading right here)

GB: I farted. I shit my pants last night

Unidentified player: (Laughs) You did?

GB: I did. Went out and had a great meal, just a great fucking meal, and I had to go to the bathroom so bad in the car I’m going “Trammel, hurry up man I gotta shit.” Got home and I had fucking shit in my pants. I’m good twice a year for that. When is the last time you shit your pants?

UP: Me?

GB: Yeah. Been a while?

UP: Um, yeah, it’s been a long time.

GB: I was in Vegas a couple years ago—this is an honest to God true story. Staying at the Bellagio, I went over to the Mirage for dinner and met some friends of mine over there. Went to Kokomo’s, a great little steakhouse. The guy brings out some fresh crab legs. He says, “These things just came in, I gotta give them to you guys.” So I’m eating them, then we go gamble a little bit. I had a tee time early in the morning, so I said, “Look, I’m gonna get going.” I’m walking back to the hotel, I get three quarters of the way out of the lobby and all of a sudden I go, “Oh, fuck!” And standing there like this—I got my butt pinched so fucking tight. I’m fucked. I can’t move. All of a sudden I felt all right, and then I went just like this—(makes explosion sound) water.

UP: No way.

GB: Yeah, I had food poisoning from the crabs. Take off my leather jacket, tied it around my waist, and I’m standing there and it’s just running down my leg.

UP: (Laughs)

GB: I got jeans on, black bucks, no socks. And I just start fucking walking. Every time I’m walking, something’s coming out. It’s water. Straight fucking water. And then, to tell you how sick I was, I’m standing outside and I get my cell phone and this guy (scratchy noise cuts in). I say “Larry, you won’t believe this. I’m standing outside the fucking Bellagio—I can’t move. I got shit everywhere. I shit all over myself.” And Larry’s about a 48 waist. So he brings me over a pair of pants and some towels. And so he comes over and meets me—I tell him where I’m standing. He finds the closest bathroom when you go up the escalator—I can’t get in the elevator.

UP: (Laughs)

GB: So he goes in, finds the closest bathroom in the lobby of the hotel. And then I get on the escalator, and he kind of pretends like he dropped something so no one gets behind me. Tells me where it is. I go in there. He goes and gets the towel all wet for me, throws it over the fucking stall. I take off all my fucking clothes. [I] just wipe off—leave my shoes, left my shoes, my pants, everything, right there. The towels, right there in the stall. And I’m walking barefoot with my shirt and his pants that are 48 waist through the lobby like this at midnight. Got up in the morning, took the most perfect double-tapered shit I’ve ever had in my life. True story. Who’s the pitchers in this game?

Friday, October 10, 2008

An Important Issue # 17 Update

Greetings from the Manhattan offices of Zisk. Many of you have probably gotten issue # 17 in your mailboxes by now (the rest will be all out in the mail by Tuesday). I wanted to give you all an update on the Stadium Memories story that starts on page 3. My friend Jonah, who I write about in my memories of Shea piece, has unfortunately had a recurrence of his cancer in a another lymph node. You can get a full update at his own blog, Groinstrong. If you've ever enjoyed Zisk at all over the past nine years, I'd like to ask a favor--please go to the Groinstrong site and buy yourself a wrist band or simply donate money. The donated funds go to help Jonah's medical expenses, The NYU Melanoma Research Program and The Melanoma Research Foundation.

My hope for my first memory of CitiField? Jonah and I and a bunch of other people are there, celebrating the fact that he's beaten cancer for good.